A Rant of Sorts

I grew up in a small town. This has many merits, and many demerits. On Sunday morning when I walk to church, it's rare that someone doesn't pull their car over to drive me the rest of the way. When I forget ID, clerks at the beer and wine store know me, so I get Chardonnay just the same (let me clarify: from high school, not from frequent visits!). There's some wonderful, good, hardworking people who live here, and they've taught me much about the way I want to live life.

But one thing I'm really, really struck by, having come home for the summer after creating a life-plan which involves a lot of school, is the mind-set of a lot of people.

Read: the pitying looks people give me when I tell them that I intend to get a Ph.D, a look usually followed by what I imagine is meant to be a reassuring comment of: "Don't worry, dear. Soon enough you'll find an M-A-N and forget all about a P-H-D."

While I have nothing but respect for women who do choose to marry, and be full-time wives and mothers, comments like the one above really infuriate me. The balance between work and home, or the choice to work in the home, is a choice meant to be made by each individual woman, on her own terms and conditions.

I made a decision to pursue music scholarship. While I very much hope to get married, and have children, a man that isn't willing to accept my career ambitions is not someone I see myself being with in the long-term. To reject something which is that much a part of me is to reject me, period. That's not the makings of a successful long-term relationship, and certainly not the makings of someone I would want to raise children with.

Furthermore, I hate the insinuation that I can't have both.

It's an insult - not only to me, but to all women who have successfully balanced, and who are currently balancing, both academic careers and family lives.

In Celebration of My Nerdiness

I got rather excited today upon discovering this.

A Moment of Realization

It's late at night on May long weekend. Normally I would be attempting to do something fun with friends seeing as I'm 20 and it's, well, May long weekend. Alas, my friends are currently scattered throughout the province and country. Which led to me sitting in my house. Reading the websites for varying AMS* chapters. At midnight. On a long weekend. Cause I'm cool like that.

Right about the point when I opened up the New York State/St. Lawrence Chapter site, I realized that (I apologize for my lack of better phrasing), holy shit, I actually am moving to the other end of the country to pursue music scholarship. While I imagine Nova Scotia is actually covered by the mid-Atlantic Chapter and not the NY/St. Lawrence Chapter, both Chapters share the common feature of being on the other side of the country. Where I know absolutely no one. And where, in three and a half months, I will be arriving with a suitcase full of clothes and another full of books/scores, to make a fresh start.

Awesome? Absolutely.

Terrifying? Um. Yeah.

It's not like I hadn't thought about it before. My move is well-documented in the social networking grapevine, I spent most of the days after I got my acceptance letter in a state of ecstatic bliss, I've started thinking about non-Pacific Coast winter-wear, my parents are getting Air Miles cards. I thought about it when I persevered (only crying once!) through my last day at UVic (which, by the way, shall receive some over-due kudos in a later post).

And yet, I think tonight is the first time that it hit me. That's not to say I'm scared or having second thoughts. It's just that now, it's so undeniably real.

Moving on, in other news, in consideration of my friends who don't have blogger IDs, I have opened my comments section to all. Feel free to say hi and let me know that you're reading!

Tonight, for whatever reason, I am also feeling the need to express (a likely obvious statement) that this is not an academic blog. It's a blog about music, and academia, and music academia. But it's my blog on music/academia/the two combined. So it's also a blog about spirituality, philosophy, writing, books, life, events, people, places, community, issues, ideas, and other topics. Academic blogs undoubtedly discuss these things, but I want to feel free from time to time to write, unapologetically, without academic protocol (other than citing/attributing sources, of course), about some things that simply matter to me, and to the people and communities, musical and otherwise, around me.

Also, come on, I'm a second-year undergrad! Claiming to write an academic blog would be foolish. When push comes to shove, I'm not an academic.

Well, not yet, anyway...

*AMS stands for the American Musicological Society, which also covers most of (if not all) the Canadian provinces (possibly the territories as well; I'll admit to my own ignorance as far as that's concerned). It's an academic society devoted to promoting musicological scholarship through presentations of research at varying conferences, providing grants, et cetera.

This Made Me Happy

Being as I'm in an academic program that requires the ability to write really, really well, this made me giggle. I can't quite say "been there, done that," but the copious amount of type-speak I'm forced to endure as a member of the texting generation does make me somewhat sympathetic:

From Quick Study

A Study of Contradiction

Today I had an amazing conversation with Nancy, my piano teacher. We were talking about the balance of musicologist and performer, and how music itself is ultimately a series of contradictions.

Playing the piano is my life's joy and passion. My keyboard (whose name is Oscar, after O. Peterson) is my truest, oldest friend - and that's saying something, because I have really good friends, who mean the world to me. At my keyboard, however, select few other things exist. It's me, the notes, and peace/God/love/call it what you will.

I feel much the same way about singing, but my hands are more dependable than my voice, and so the piano has been my constant in moments when my voice is too weak or my asthma is too severe to make music that way.

That passion for music led me to study it. Yet one thing I've struggled with throughout my studies it is holding onto what brought me to music in the first place: I was a 17, and I knew nothing about Western Classical Music, other than the fact that I was crazily and passionately in love with it. Before I knew that augmented and diminished chords existed, before I knew of counterpoint or perfect pitch or Bach chorales or any of the other countless things my time as a music student has taught me...I already had music. Music is innately within me; innately within all of us.

And before I began music scholarship, I brought musicality to the piano. I brought an ability to play with passion, wild abandon; I had a performer's spirit. Yet somewhere, I misplaced that and traded it in for theoretical knowledge. I can analyze the pieces I play now - but at what cost? From sometime around October until present, the intention, the spirit, the magic I used to have behind and between the notes went away, and was replaced with fact, style; with good grammar, so to speak.

It's through the union, the marriage of my scholarly training and my innate performer that I create the greatest music. Great teaching, great research, and great performance are all born from the union of mind and heart, creativity and knowledge.

Music scholarship requires a concentrated, academic mind, but it also requires that you be a musician first, and forever. In becoming Rena the musicologist, I can't lose sight or understanding of Rena the pianist and vocalist.

And, indeed, combining the two will doubtlessly lead to better research, better playing/singing, and, eventually, more effective teaching.

Now I just have to do it, instead of writing about it. No challenge there, no sir, none at all... ;-)

The Last Academic Year in Natural Highs

Early morning sunrises.

Music History class.

Getting choir folders full of new music.

Arriving on campus at 7AM, leaving at 11:30PM.

Haydn.

London Fogs and Croissants with Chelsey.

Watching opera clips in Music History Class.

Overcoming my pathological fear of blank manuscript paper to realize that I love composing.

Breakfast, when I actually ate it.

The incredibly nerd conversations my roommate and I would have about politics.

Good cups of coffee.

Long chats with Tyler about Wagner.

Call me crazy, but, theory class.

Acing Musicianship tests!

Wrapping my brain around Don Giovanni and Mozart's Requiem.

Singing high notes.

Baking sugar cookies and cupcakes and chocolate chip banana bread.

The Madama Butterfly party!

Chats with Tori and Eryn.

The Rankins.

Halloween.

Concert after concert after concert. How I miss them.

Discovering new music.

Morning mass and brunch.

All my visits to old bookstores.

Late nights and early mornings at my piano.

What We Gain

A couple days ago, I was watching an episode of "Law & Order: SVU." It was a rather disturbing story about a piano teacher who had been horrifically abused as a child. Music had become a place of refuge for her; a place where she found, as the story called it, "affection".

I'm also currently reading Reich's biography of Clara Schumann (I imagine this will be the first and last time when Clara Schumann and Law and Order are mentioned in such close space), and one thing which Reich celebrates about Clara, often overlooked in celebrating Clara's strength and accomplishments, is how art and music were places where the pianist was "sustain[ed]" through considerable moments of hardship and tragedy.

Thus, as a result of thinking about these two women (albeit, one fictional), I've started thinking about the power music has over us mortals. It's easy to lose sight of the greater emotional meaning and implications of something you study. When you're constantly trying to improve tonal memory, increase theoretical/harmonic and historical knowledge and vocabulary, and get that damn English essay done for your English requirement, it's easy to forget that there was a reason we all chose this path.

Music has always meant a tremendous amount to me. While I always referred to it as a place of healing moreso than a place of affection or sustainment, I think that's ultimately what music has been in my life. Arguably, affection is part of what sustains the human race. Rare is the person who doesn't seek relationships based in mutual affection.

I know for me, and for most of my friends, music is one such relationship. It's probably fair to say that, for most of us, music lives and breathes. It gives more to us than we could ever give to it; hence the fact that we're able to spend hours in a practice room, go home, get some sleep (hopefully!), and then go at it again the next day.

Explaining what, exactly, it is that music gives back to us musicians is arguably the inexpressible part (too bad; so many more people would probably understand why we don't care that about the lack of money if they could comprehend the non-pecuniary rewards involved).

Music was - is - where I express emotions, come to terms with them. It's where I find, express, explain, and understand sadness, joy, anger, excitement. It's where my joys are reinforced, and where my sadness and anger can simply be. It's where I realize that everything is temporal; neither pain nor joy lasts forever, so each moment holds the potential for beauty. Knowledge which has sustained me through some pretty rough days...

Yet all of these things come back to sustaining affection. As I understand it, affection is one's sense of being cherished; dear to someone, or, in this case, something. Affection is grounded in acceptance of one as one is, perhaps with an eye for who one could be. Suzuki once suggested that to become a better musician, one must first become a better person. I think they go hand in hand - the affection we put into our music is returned to us, and we become better people, as we become better musicians - sustained, cherished by the music we're creating.

Yes, I'm aware that this all likely made me sound like a sentimental dolt. ;-)

Now, it's time to go read some more about Clara Schumann, who, I should add, is fascinating!