Balance

Lately, I've really been struggling with finding a sense of balance surrounding school, and life.

For the last month, pretty much every waking thought I've had has been devoted to school, assignments, how to get into grad school, how to navigate careers in musicology, developing music skills and knowledge, and the like. While I have taken moments to try to stop and rest, very few moments have occurred.

I started university as a political science student, and music was where I found moments of rest and reprise; comfort and security. It's fair to say that music has always been my joy, my greatest passion. It's what I wake up and go to bed thinking about, and what my mind usually wanders to when it has the chance to wander.

Now that passion is in the process of becoming my livelihood, and when something is becoming a livelihood, your relationship to it will change. That's not to say that music doesn't remain a place of reprise and rest for me; it is still how I connect to myself, others, and divinity; it is still my way of life.

But it's also what I study; it's my schoolwork, and I have my head in it all day, every day. Music school is a lifestyle, and it definitely consumes far more of my time than poli sci ever did. I'm used to relieving the stress of school with, well, music! So, all semester, I've been going home, and reading more about musicology, playing more, singing more, listening more...but they don't give me the same sense of relaxation, because there's a sense of guilt: I shouldn't be listening to Haydn when I ought to be listening to atonal music of the 20th century, I shouldn't be singing for the love of it when I ought to be practicing solfege, I shouldn't be thinking about composing when I ought to be studying theory. Even when all my assignments are complete, I often feel like I'm not doing enough.

None of this is to say that I don't love what I'm doing; I do. It's rare that a day goes by when I don't stop and think about how lucky I am to have these opportunities; to get to live my passion. But pursuing any dream is exhausting, and I suppose I'm just a little worn down.

So I need to find something new to give me a place of rest; a metaphorical "Sabbath" (or maybe I could just take the real one off) from school, and careers, and plans. Maybe I could take up baking again...baking cakes from scratch got me through many a Social Science essay (along with fruit snacks, Tostitos, and a whole lot of coffee). Maybe they can get me through theory assignments, too?