Shedding

Winter has come, unseasonably late, to Nova Scotia. This means, through the combination of my eczema, the cold, and the increase of indoor heating, that my skin is dry, peeling, and shedding.

It's uncomfortable, but in a way, I'm glad for it, because as this new semester starts, it reminds me of all the other things that need to be shed.

One such thing is my tenancy to get caught up in things like marks, image, and appearing talented. I sometimes work against myself, shunning awesome opportunities or challenges because I'm scared of looking foolish, making a mistake, or getting a bad mark. I psych myself out at singing auditions and piano exams and consequently perform nowhere near my standard level of ability. Or I simply don't audition for fear of looking foolish. Turning to music scholarship, I go with the paper topic in my comfort zone (opera, oratorio, and masses, little music analysis, and, for God's sake, no Wagner!)

This shall be, I've decided, the semester of shedding my ego. Music is hard, hard work which requires consistent growth - and that doesn't leave room for ego. It leaves room for mistakes and some humbling moments - and, after that, it leaves room for learning and growth and real musicianship. My craft and my scholarship are good - but there's so much room for both to be better. That's not going to happen if I stay in the nice, safe box I've carved out for myself. 

So I'm auditioning for NSYC, I'm playing my piano exam next week with as much heart and soul as I can muster, and I'm going to bid Haydn scholarship adieu for this semester while I jump into Wagner studies.

We'll see what becomes of it.